The Art of Losing Control

Matthew 10:38-39 The Message: If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.
I grew up as an only child. I am an expert at looking after myself.  I'm used to having control of my own life.  A few nights ago, at 5 a.m., I became incredibly aware of how all of that is in the past now.  Peanut was up at 3 a.m. that night, which was very unusual for her.  She had always been a good sleeper at night.  Lately, she's had a tiny bit of trouble going to sleep and staying asleep; it may have something to do with not having a pacifier anymore.  LittleBit is still waking up at least once at random times in the middle of the night, and sometimes it's really hard for me to go back to sleep, even after she had gone back to sleep.  My husband and I are learning how much work it takes to get on the same game plan in regards to disciplining Peanut. In addition, my body was adjusting to new birth control and we were about to start potty-training Peanut.  With all these factors combined, I was absolutely overwhelmed that night.  This was what I wrote on my journal: Anxiety and frustration seem to be my best friends these days. I still want my life to go the way I want...easy. Right now, probably more than ever, I'm sensing the feeling of "not having control," and it's frustrating and even scaring me.
Then the Holy Spirit led me to the story of Mary & Martha (Luke 10:38-42). Mary was hanging on every word Jesus said. Nothing else mattered to her, except to be completely engrossed in His presence. Martha was "fussing far too much and getting herself worked up over nothing." I was definitely being like Martha.  I needed to be like Mary, and like the passage above, I needed to forget about all my concerns and simply look to Jesus. This was how I ended my journal entry that night: If I just look at myself, I want to organize, solve, and control everything (and get frustrated that I can't). But if I look to Jesus, if He's the primary focus in what I'm going through, I find my answer, I find my peace, and I know I'll be OK. Lord, I do want to go all the way with You, through thick and thin. It's not about having an easy and cozy life. It's about the extraordinary. It takes sacrifice; it takes perseverance. Most of all, it takes hanging on Your every word. It takes simple trust; it takes surrendering my control over to You.
Just because I readjusted my focus (yet again),  it doesn't mean my anxiety and frustration automatically go away. We had a rough start to Peanut's potty-training, and I was ready to pull my hair out. However, what I gain by turning to Jesus instead of looking after myself is His peace. He calms me down, every time, with His love.  He also shares with me a little bit more of His purpose and His perspective.  I was reminded that my children are not hindrances to having an easy life for myself, but they are pure gifts that I've been entrusted with.  Potty-training is going much better now, and I've thoroughly enjoyed the extra one-on-one time I've had with Peanut the last few days. I've been able to witness amazing capabilities in her that I hadn't noticed before.  LittleBit is a dream baby, and a direct answer to my prayers. Most of my attention was given to Peanut for potty-training, and LittleBit had no trouble at all being left alone.  She kept smiling away (amazing!).  I have the most helpful husband, who is incredibly affectionate towards all of his girls :) They are all healthy. What more could I ask for? How indescribably blessed I am.  How different my life looks through Mary's eyes than through Martha's. How extraordinary my life becomes once I learn the art of losing control.