The Secret of Marriage

Ephesians 5:31-33 (New Living Translation): As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Today, my husband and I have been married for four years. To both of us, that number seems too small. We always say to each other, "It feels like we've been married forever...in a good way!" It really does...because it's hard to remember what the previous chapter of my life was like before I met Allan.  We began dating only about five years ago, and I had lived 25 years of my life without him.  Yet these last five years seem more "natural" and "right" to me than all my other years without him. When the Bible talks about "two are united into one," it makes total sense in my heart.  Wherever we are, when I'm with Allan, that's when I'm "home." My life makes sense more when it's joined with his life.  Not that my life was incomplete or didn't make sense before him; it's that my life is more complete, more abundant, more...extraordinary.  I see it as two canvases that make up a whole picture. Each canvas viewed separately is beautiful and doesn't seem to be lacking anything, but when it's put together with the other canvas, viewers are amazed at how extraordinary this picture really was.  That's the best way I can explain it.

Matthew 16:24 (New Living Translation): Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.”

Now, as wonderful as marriage is for us, I want to also address the challenges we face in marriage. Our first year together (this was actually before we were married) was by far the most challenging time we faced together.  We had to deal with tough issues from the very beginning. For me, these included learning to tear down the walls of fear and build trust, learning the differences between male and female (I've had very few relations with the male gender before I met him), learning how to communicate with someone from polar opposite background/personality, overcoming my unrealistic expectations, and so on, and so on.  It was always about "me" for the first 25 years of my life...I was the leading character, and it was all about what I wanted.  I sort of thought that he came as my knight in shining armor to fulfill the desires I couldn't fulfill by myself, but it was still "all about me." As I started learning more about the truth of marriage, it became less and less challenging.  I'm not saying that we've learned everything we need to...or that we don't have times when we still aggravate each other.  More often than I'd like, I find myself thinking, "I would not have said it like that, or used that kind of tone, or done it that way." I start pondering on how my way is not done, my every desire is not met, my feelings are bothered, my, my, my.  But before I go down this path of "all about me," I turn to God, and I ask Him to help me renew my mind.  If marriage is supposed to mirror Christ's relationship with the church, then it has to be all about commitment and sacrifice.  I've found that marriage is the best opportunity God gives us to practice the above verse of "turning from our selfish ways."

I believe this is the secret of marriage.  Pastor Kerri quoted this phrase from someone that said it perfectly: "Marriage is hard only if you want to be selfish." That's why there are hard times for 100% of marriages that exist...we all have a selfish nature.  It's "natural" to think of ourselves first.  Marriage is a great opportunity God gives us to practice how to be "unselfish," which is totally against our nature.  But when both parties involved practice and build this character, their marriage does start to mirror Christ's relationship with the church, which of course is love like no other. 

The last thing I want to say about marriage in this post is that we can't do it by ourselves.  Because we have a selfish nature, we need a power source beyond our human nature to help us and teach us how to be unselfish.  I remembered a quote from the movie Runaway Bride: "It takes three people to make our marriage work: him, me, and our therapist." I agree that it takes three people to make our marriage work: him, me, and the Creator of our lives and the Sustainer of our marriage - God. Allan and I are very much aware that daily we need God's help and guidance.  As we walk together with God as our lead, we know that we can overcome any struggle and enjoy all the blessings He has for us.  The main goal we have for our marriage, and for our family, is that we glorify God. How great our marriage is shows only a glimpse of how Great our God is!