What God has in store for me in 2010...

"When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed. God’s Decree." Jeremiah 29:13-14 (The Message)

I love my life. I love the story God has written for me so far; He is the most creative Author I know. I do not desire to write my own life story. I desire something more extraordinary than what I could ever imagine for myself. In 2010, I want to be more strategic about creating "space" for God to move...and allow Him to make this year more extraordinary than ever before. Lord, this is Your blank canvas; this is Your blank journal. I am only a tool that records Your masterpiece. Do what You do best...produce something extraordinary from this ordinary child. I wait expectantly, with my typing fingers in position :)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Loss of Focus

Ephesians 1:11 (The Message): It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.
Well this last month showed how I can be when I don't rely on God to keep me in the right focus. I did exactly what I said we shouldn't do in my last post (which I had actually written at beginning of November). Since then, I became consumed in the busyness of the holiday chaos and lost sight of what's really important. Things were going well until the Be Her Freedom Run. I had a great run, and I was determined to keep the right perspective as I entered the holiday season. I then went into a "vacation mode" when my hubby went away to deer camp and my best friend from college came to visit for a week. That was a fun week. After she left, my hubby returned, and life went back into the routine. Instead of regaining my focus though, I found myself getting overwhelmed in all my everyday affairs. I don't even know all of what took place; I blinked and now we're way into December.
During this past month, I'm sad to say, I did not spend my daily time with God and His Word. I stopped going to the gym, which was usually time spent not only releasing my stress by exercising, but also gaining some valuable insights and wisdom through the podcasts I'd listen to. I basically became unplugged to the True Source (as the verse above says) of who I am and what I'm living for. And it showed. I knew something was seriously wrong when my husband humbly suggested that we should reexamine our daily tasks, because the stress is getting to me too much. I was very irritable and short with everyone around me. I became stressed way too quickly and easily. I had no peace. This is who I am when I'm unplugged from my Source, when my focus is off the eternal perspective and purpose.
I became consumed with all the temporary things. I hated that our house is not as festively decorated as others. I felt so guilty that a year later, our youngest LittleBit's room was still not decorated. I felt that I needed more clothes for myself and nicer things for our house. All of a sudden, there were so many things "lacking." What a difference from when I wrote this post: My Wish List. I also began to take it out on my family. I grew up as an only child, always having control of my surroundings. I became angry every time I couldn't have complete control because one of my children did something unexpectedly.
This is who I am without Jesus. I'm a mess. I'm an unhealthy perfectionist who also expects too much from others. I'm a spaz attack waiting to happen. I'm too tense and stressed out. I'm so thankful that my husband was honest enough to raise the red flag. It's never fun to have your faults be noticed (especially for a perfectionist), but it was much needed. We talked about it, we examined it, and we came up with some changes we need to make. I began to regain my focus. I opened up my Bible this morning, and these were the words that I read: 
Ephesians 1:15-19 (The Message): I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!
How Great is my God. Thank You, Jesus, that You are always my source…of wisdom and strength and purpose. Even when I lose sight, You always bring me back to You. In You I always find who I am really meant to be.

PS. In midst of all this, perhaps due to the stress, I've been having trouble keeping weight on. I know that many would consider this a good problem to have, but as most of you know, I don't have much weight I can afford to lose. We're trying to figure out a right diet for me to gain more calories. I'd appreciate your prayers.

1 comment:

  1. It's so brave of you to share this, Maria! Although, i must say....I can not imagine you being anything but calming and soothing to be around! I am so irritable and snappy when disconnected from my daily prayer/devotion time. I pretty much suck without Jesus. :0) Thanks for sharing...miss you!