Loss of Focus

Ephesians 1:11 (The Message): It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.
Well this last month showed how I can be when I don't rely on God to keep me in the right focus. I did exactly what I said we shouldn't do in my last post (which I had actually written at beginning of November). Since then, I became consumed in the busyness of the holiday chaos and lost sight of what's really important. Things were going well until the Be Her Freedom Run. I had a great run, and I was determined to keep the right perspective as I entered the holiday season. I then went into a "vacation mode" when my hubby went away to deer camp and my best friend from college came to visit for a week. That was a fun week. After she left, my hubby returned, and life went back into the routine. Instead of regaining my focus though, I found myself getting overwhelmed in all my everyday affairs. I don't even know all of what took place; I blinked and now we're way into December.
During this past month, I'm sad to say, I did not spend my daily time with God and His Word. I stopped going to the gym, which was usually time spent not only releasing my stress by exercising, but also gaining some valuable insights and wisdom through the podcasts I'd listen to. I basically became unplugged to the True Source (as the verse above says) of who I am and what I'm living for. And it showed. I knew something was seriously wrong when my husband humbly suggested that we should reexamine our daily tasks, because the stress is getting to me too much. I was very irritable and short with everyone around me. I became stressed way too quickly and easily. I had no peace. This is who I am when I'm unplugged from my Source, when my focus is off the eternal perspective and purpose.
I became consumed with all the temporary things. I hated that our house is not as festively decorated as others. I felt so guilty that a year later, our youngest LittleBit's room was still not decorated. I felt that I needed more clothes for myself and nicer things for our house. All of a sudden, there were so many things "lacking." What a difference from when I wrote this post: My Wish List. I also began to take it out on my family. I grew up as an only child, always having control of my surroundings. I became angry every time I couldn't have complete control because one of my children did something unexpectedly.
This is who I am without Jesus. I'm a mess. I'm an unhealthy perfectionist who also expects too much from others. I'm a spaz attack waiting to happen. I'm too tense and stressed out. I'm so thankful that my husband was honest enough to raise the red flag. It's never fun to have your faults be noticed (especially for a perfectionist), but it was much needed. We talked about it, we examined it, and we came up with some changes we need to make. I began to regain my focus. I opened up my Bible this morning, and these were the words that I read: 
Ephesians 1:15-19 (The Message): I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!
How Great is my God. Thank You, Jesus, that You are always my source…of wisdom and strength and purpose. Even when I lose sight, You always bring me back to You. In You I always find who I am really meant to be.

PS. In midst of all this, perhaps due to the stress, I've been having trouble keeping weight on. I know that many would consider this a good problem to have, but as most of you know, I don't have much weight I can afford to lose. We're trying to figure out a right diet for me to gain more calories. I'd appreciate your prayers.

Fear of the Unknown Part 2

I had another encounter with the same fear; this time with my younger daughter LittleBit. I know that there are so many different approaches mothers use when dealing with a newborn baby, and different approaches work for different mothers.  For me, especially after my first newborn experience, the Babywise methods work best, and that's what I try to follow during the baby stage and beyond.  I like structure, and I like following clear instructions.  To the best of my ability, I followed the Babywise instructions for my first child, and she was sleeping through the night by 8 weeks.  I was determined to reach the same goal with my second daughter.  LittleBit is almost 8 weeks now, and although she's not doing badly at night, sometimes she still wakes up around 3 or 4 in the morning.  Her night sleeping pattern seems to be more unpredictable than my first daughter. This past week, she slept through the night some nights and woke up during the wee hours on other nights.  I tried to remember that every baby is different and also that she's not even 8 weeks yet.  On the Babywise book it said most of the babies who follow their methods average about 7-8 hours at night by Week 8.  This is where my perfectionist tendencies come into play.  If groundwork is laid for how things are supposed to be, I have to hit that mark and nothing less.  I was never able to settle for a "B" as my grade all throughout school.  I believe it's not a bad thing to strive for excellence, but in my case it was more like a selfish obsession that was birthed out of my pride.
Last night LittleBit woke up at 3 A.M. She was making little noises (not quite crying yet), so I walked towards her bassinet and turned the vibrating machine on to see if she would just fall back asleep.  As I climbed back into bed, I was wide awake because I was so anxious.  Will she start crying? When will she start sleeping through the night regularly? I couldn't go back to sleep.  I sensed this strong urge that I needed to turn to my Bible.  So at 3 A.M., I turned on the light and started reading the Bible. I first turned to one of my favorite passages in Philippians (4:6-7 The Message): Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life (italics mine). I needed God to settle me down!
I also turned to Matthews 6:30-33 (The Message): What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met (italics mine). How true this was for me; I do know God and how He works. I was preoccupied with getting it right according to the books (not to mention getting more sleep for myself!).  So what if she doesn't sleep through the night yet? God knows her needs as well as mine, and He knows I am trying my best with the resources I've been given. As long as I concentrate on His reality, His initiative, and His provisions, He will make sure that all my needs and concerns are met.
What I needed more than anything last night was His peace. When I read those passages and prayed, as always, His peace came.  I slept well the rest of the night, and you know what else? LittleBit slept until morning as well:) That was an extra blessing, but I know I will be OK if she wakes up in the middle of the night tonight.  God knows best, not me.  I think that's what this "fear of the unknown" is about; it comes from my desire to have my life controllable and predictable.  But that's not the road that will take me through an extraordinary adventure.  I need to daily surrender my control, and allow God to unfold His extraordinary miracles in my life.

Fear of the Unknown

It’s comical the kind of things you become anxious about when you’re a mother.  My daughter Peanut has been using a pacifier for nap time and bedtime since she was a newborn.  We all know too well how fast time flies; she turned two last month.  I thought to myself, “Should she still be using a pacifier? When do I take it away?”  She never used it while she’s awake, so I was never too concerned about it.  Recently I noticed that it was causing some rashes below her mouth when she would drool a lot. I figured it was time to take the pacifier away. I was dreading what kind of reaction this would produce from my Peanut; from what I could tell, she was pretty attached to it as a tool for falling asleep.

I began to have some anxious thoughts about this: Will she cry a lot, and if so, for how long (did I also mention she’s been a Drama Queen from Day 1?).  Will she be able to fall asleep? Will she be waking up in the middle of the night? Why did I not take it away sooner? It’s crazy how your mind can run so fast when it’s fueled by anxiety. 

Then we went to church last night and heard a message from Pastor Chris.  He talked about how to lose control of your own life and allow God to have control. He said we had to surrender our fears to God, and one of the fears he mentioned was “fear of the unknown.” That’s exactly what I had. He said we must commit to prayer and to obey God no matter what.  Lastly, he said we must trust God for the outcome and don’t take it (our trust) back. I looked up the Bible passage he shared from one of my favorite translations, the Message Bible. Isaiah 26:3 says, “People with their minds set on you, you keep completely whole, Steady on their feet, because they keep at it and don't quit. Depend on God and keep at it, because in the Lord God you have a sure thing.”

I decided today was the day. I was still a little anxious before her nap, but when we put her in the crib, I prayed over her.  I made a conscious effort to release my worry to God and to trust Him for the outcome. She asked once, “Bunky?” (that’s how she says “Binky”).  I told her she was not a baby anymore and to have a nice nap.  To my big surprise, she did not cry at all and fell asleep shortly (as I watched from her video monitor).  We had just put her to bed for the night as I type this, and again she seemed to have no trouble.  What a relief!

Today’s experience made me think of another passage from the Bible: You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better? (Matthew 7:11 The Message).  If I’m having such a hard time taking away something she likes and potentially making her sad, how much more does God hate to see us sad? Yet, like I had to do today, God does what’s best for us, not always what we think we want or need.  How much of a relief we can bring to God when we respond positively to the changes He brings our way, like Peanut did for me today.