Loss of Focus

Ephesians 1:11 (The Message): It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.
Well this last month showed how I can be when I don't rely on God to keep me in the right focus. I did exactly what I said we shouldn't do in my last post (which I had actually written at beginning of November). Since then, I became consumed in the busyness of the holiday chaos and lost sight of what's really important. Things were going well until the Be Her Freedom Run. I had a great run, and I was determined to keep the right perspective as I entered the holiday season. I then went into a "vacation mode" when my hubby went away to deer camp and my best friend from college came to visit for a week. That was a fun week. After she left, my hubby returned, and life went back into the routine. Instead of regaining my focus though, I found myself getting overwhelmed in all my everyday affairs. I don't even know all of what took place; I blinked and now we're way into December.
During this past month, I'm sad to say, I did not spend my daily time with God and His Word. I stopped going to the gym, which was usually time spent not only releasing my stress by exercising, but also gaining some valuable insights and wisdom through the podcasts I'd listen to. I basically became unplugged to the True Source (as the verse above says) of who I am and what I'm living for. And it showed. I knew something was seriously wrong when my husband humbly suggested that we should reexamine our daily tasks, because the stress is getting to me too much. I was very irritable and short with everyone around me. I became stressed way too quickly and easily. I had no peace. This is who I am when I'm unplugged from my Source, when my focus is off the eternal perspective and purpose.
I became consumed with all the temporary things. I hated that our house is not as festively decorated as others. I felt so guilty that a year later, our youngest LittleBit's room was still not decorated. I felt that I needed more clothes for myself and nicer things for our house. All of a sudden, there were so many things "lacking." What a difference from when I wrote this post: My Wish List. I also began to take it out on my family. I grew up as an only child, always having control of my surroundings. I became angry every time I couldn't have complete control because one of my children did something unexpectedly.
This is who I am without Jesus. I'm a mess. I'm an unhealthy perfectionist who also expects too much from others. I'm a spaz attack waiting to happen. I'm too tense and stressed out. I'm so thankful that my husband was honest enough to raise the red flag. It's never fun to have your faults be noticed (especially for a perfectionist), but it was much needed. We talked about it, we examined it, and we came up with some changes we need to make. I began to regain my focus. I opened up my Bible this morning, and these were the words that I read: 
Ephesians 1:15-19 (The Message): I ask—ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory—to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him—endless energy, boundless strength!
How Great is my God. Thank You, Jesus, that You are always my source…of wisdom and strength and purpose. Even when I lose sight, You always bring me back to You. In You I always find who I am really meant to be.

PS. In midst of all this, perhaps due to the stress, I've been having trouble keeping weight on. I know that many would consider this a good problem to have, but as most of you know, I don't have much weight I can afford to lose. We're trying to figure out a right diet for me to gain more calories. I'd appreciate your prayers.

Turning Over a New Leaf

Well, here I am. 2010 is nearing its end in a few months, and this is only my 16th post (and three of them I kind of cheated…I cut and pasted what I wrote for our MOPS newsletter). I obviously was not able to blog as much as I wanted to, but truly, what an extraordinary year this has been for me.  On the outside, it may look like any other year (besides having a new baby and all).  But that’s why I really wanted to blog about what God has done on the inside – how radical this year was for me in my walk with God.
I just reread what I wrote when I started this blog. In the description of my blog, I said this: In 2010, I want to be more strategic about creating "space" for God to move...and allow Him to make this year more extraordinary than ever before.  In my first post, I said I had two goals for this year: 1. I want to strategically concentrate more on my love relationship with Jesus and what He wants to do in my life (instead of always being consumed by the affairs of my family). 2. I believe God desires to increase boldness in me, which will lead this year to be more extraordinary than ever before.
Looking back now, I don’t think I quite realized how God was going to make this year more “extraordinary.” When I read over my goals again, I realized that God had a much higher goal set for me than what I had set for myself. What He has shown me these past several months is this: He desires for my life to make a difference for eternity and bring Him much fame. This goes beyond the goals of just concentrating on my love relationship with Jesus or the affairs of my family. It goes beyond concentrating on a specific character trait such as boldness. Those are still important, and God did allow me to grow in those areas this year. In the process, He revealed to me even a bigger picture of what my life is about. God has me on a mission; I am called to show my world who God is and make an impact for eternity. My family is on the same mission.  Our focus should not be on how comfortable and pleasant of a life we make for ourselves during this short time on earth. We have a much higher purpose than that. God is in the business of bringing people to Himself, showing them His salvation through His Son, and restoring (or transforming) their lives with His love. I desire to dedicate my life for this cause, and I want to do it with everything I’ve got.
To put it in a nutshell (if I’m capable of such a thing), God gave me a greater passion for His people that are lost or hurting, who desperately need Him, than I’ve ever had previous to this year.  Many events and inspiring stories have caused this passion inside of me to rise this year.  All I know is that I can’t stay silent anymore. I desire to tell, to write, to do whatever I can to unleash this passion. 
One of the ways I desire to put this passion into action is through this blog. I want to write about God’s amazing, real-life stories of faith, hope, and love.  More on this to come shortly…
Psalm 105:1-2 (New Living Translation): Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done. Sing to him; yes, sing his praises. Tell everyone about his wonderful deeds.

A Life Worthy of His Call

2 Thessalonians 1:11-12 (New Living Translation): So we keep on praying for you, asking our God to enable you to live a life worthy of his call. May he give you the power to accomplish all the good things your faith prompts you to do. Then the name of our Lord Jesus will be honored because of the way you live, and you will be honored along with him. This is all made possible because of the grace of our God and Lord, Jesus Christ.
I'm having a really hard time summarizing what I experienced at Shine (which is the annual women's conference hosted by our church). This year's experience was like no other, and it's been difficult to find words to describe it (although my husband may beg to differ; I've been talking about it to him non-stop).  I wrote an entire post about it, but I ended up deleting it.  It didn't "click" with what I really wanted to say. Then this morning as I was reading my Bible, I came across the passage above.  It summarized for me perfectly the "treasure" I came out of the conference with: A treasure-chest full of challenge, motivation, confidence, and courage.  When I first began this blog, I mentioned that God is calling me to increase my boldness.  Courage was the main theme of this year's conference.  I know that was not a coincidence.
The speakers were amazing.  They challenged us to wake up and open our eyes to what's going on around us.  We are in midst of a broken and hurting world; God wants to use us to reach out and help.  They motivated us to not stay within our comfortable lifestyle - that is not the ultimate destiny for our lives. We must trust and follow God...wherever He leads us.  They imparted us with confidence that we can be all that God called us to be.  This "calling" goes way beyond our temporal issues or our immediate surroundings. It's not about having a "local" Christianity: a nice home with 2.5 kids and going to church every week, talking the Christian talk and busying ourselves with church activities. They may be good things, but we are called for so much more than that. We are called to do great things for God. We are called to be a light in the darkness.  We are called to make a difference in this world.  Finally, they imparted us with courage that we can lead a life worthy of this calling.
I came out of it ready to conquer the world!  But wait...I'm still me, a wife and a stay-at-home mommy to two little girls.  How can I apply what I learned practically in my everyday life? God still wants me to be diligent in the post He assigned me to: Seek God first daily, be the best wife and mom I can be, be a loyal friend, stay involved in the ministries of my church, and share Christ's love in the daily realms I encounter (such as in my classroom or with extended families/friends). But I've also been challenged to go beyond my usual realms.  I want to do more to reach out to this broken world, starting with my city/community. A thought popped into my head that perhaps I can visit convalescent or retirement homes with the girls.  What a blessing their presence will be to the people there, and what better way to introduce my girls to the cause of Christ we are committed to as a family.
After Shine, there also was a shift in my attitude of what our future is "supposed" to be like. I no longer picture a comfortable, risk-free life that's all planned out.  That used to be my dream.  I figured, we have our two girls now, we'll adopt two more (a desire God placed in our hearts a few years ago), we'll eventually buy a bigger car & house, we'll continue to have a great marriage, our children will be well-behaved, and there...everyone is happy.  While they are not bad things to hope for, I now know that God has so much more in store for my life.  It's not about what I want. What I want is so limited, temporal, and predictable.  What God has for me is limitless, eternal, and totally unpredictable.  THAT's the extraordinary adventure I want!
After we had our most recent baby, I began to scare my husband by saying I may want to birth another "baby" before we adopt.  I then went to the Shine conference, and God confirmed my desire to adopt.  I sent my hubby this text: "You can relax now, God gave me another confirmation that we're supposed to adopt." His reply: "I was never worried. God may give us confirmation to birth the next Billy Graham in 5 years. Who are we to question Him?" He already was on the same page, and he didn't even attend the conference!  Who are we to know what the best plan for our lives is? Who are we to question what God brings our way? God's plans, unlike ours, are not based on emotions or temporal hypes or limited mindsets.  At this point, we have no idea how many children God has in store for us (through my womb or someone else's).  I don't know yet the details of how I will be able to make a difference in this world...this week, this month, this year, and beyond.  Nevertheless, my response to God is same as that of Isaiah, "Here am I. Send me."  Everyday, God, show me, prompt me, lead me, use me...wherever You can, in whatever capacity You choose. I want to live a life worthy of Your calling.